I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
