I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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