Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
