I have demons in me.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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