I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
