Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
