so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
