please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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