I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
