Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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