3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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