Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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