K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
