Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
please don't ironically join a cult
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