I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
