In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
