The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
