I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
