He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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