Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
