the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize