Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize