Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Randomize
