I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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