were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I had to cum in my sink.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
