Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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