The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Randomize
