you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
