I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Be still, my beating vagina.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
