I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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