There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
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