the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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