Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
