Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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