Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
she told me i tasted like america
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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