Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
