I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
