If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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