Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
