What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize