I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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