Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
