I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
whose parrot is this?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
