So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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