just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
This baby is an asshole
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
