I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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