Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
