hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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