guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize