We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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