I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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