i just had sex bonerless
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
