yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
3pm strippers are depressing
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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