I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
