my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
