Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
