just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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