If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize