Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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