Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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