I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I need moral support for this bender
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize