Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
