I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
