he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
